Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

To gain control of the situation we must first gain control of ourselves

You love them, provide for them, sacrifice for them, and have at least twenty years of life experience over them; however, this alone will never save you from dramatic statements such as “you’re ruining my life.” If you have children then you are probably tired and worried constantly about doing the right thing for them.  This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips to accomplishing more in parenting yet expending less energy.

Find your magic silent voice – Have there been times during parenthood that you have felt like the teacher on Charlie Brown? It’s as if your child is only hearing “Wa wa Maw wa wa” when you talk. There are a few obvious reasons for this. Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day. Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue ect. The result seems to be that they are now really good at tuning us out. In fact it’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells the less a child will listen. Like the Elvis song says, “a little less conversation a little more action” is needed. Each time make a calm polite request. If this request is not adhered to make the request again but also state what can happen if the child chooses not to comply. And do not repeat this request more than once. If the child does not comply, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence you stated would happen. For example; “Johnny Dear, I need you to pick up your toys in the next five minutes.” Set a timer for him for 5 minutes. You noticed there are 60 seconds left and Johnny has not moved. Now you say in a very calm and quiet voice “Johnny Dear, I need you to pick up your toys in the next minute because if you don’t it shows you are not able to take care of them and mommy will have to take them away for a few days.” If he hasn’t done this by the time you’ve asked, then quietly and kindly pick up the toys. If he is upset and protesting simply do not engage in reasoning and bargaining or explaining again. Remember “Energy Conservation” simply empathize. One short sentence is all that is needed. “I know, I really wish you had made the right choice, mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.” Do not have further discussion. All serious requests should be done by lowering your voice rather than raising your voice. If you look at history’s most notorious leaders, you will notice that during their speeches they used dramatic pauses and the lowering of their tone and volume to hold their listeners attention. Yelling and losing it will only exhaust you and vaccinate your child against hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work – We live in a busy productive world. We unfortunately have responsibilities and obligations. You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you are fully present when engaged in quality time with your child. It truly is about quality over quantity.  Children know when you are pretending to listen or if your mind in on something else. This why you can be with them every day from 3-8 and still hear your child say |”you never spend any time with me.” If this is the only type of interaction they have with you their self-esteem may suffer and they will quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you are angry. Negative attention is better than no attention. Set aside definite quality time with your child. It can be 15 minutes a day, or a full Saturday. What matters is that you do not answer the phone, text, check your email or do the dishes at this time. During this time do not judge. Remember feelings are never wrong. For example if your child complained of “never getting to have fun,” instead of providing examples of why that is not true, validate her feelings by asking what types of activities she thinks would be fun.  When parents feel guilty they have a tendency to over indulge their child. They may allow poor behaviour or expensive gifts so that the child will not be mad at them. This does not teach the child responsibility or love.

Do not engage – young people will often test the person in charge. When they are not satisfied with the final word they will possibly argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues. Do not take the bait. When you become upset or rattled you have lost your authority. More importantly the issue is lost in a pile of shouts and accusations that usually end with slamming doors and soaked pillows. This is very emotionally draining and is not teaching assertive communication. When your child starts to raise their voice, insult or be disrespectful in any way you need to remain calm, in control and end the conversation. Your child will learn quickly that she cannot communicate with you in an aggressive way because she will lose her audience. Simply state “when you are able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and then leave. You are then truly controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to calm down and use more of your problem solving skills rather than raw emotions unless you’re giving praise.

If you would like more positive parenting tips check out Bridgeway Academy’s workshop series.

Summer - A great chance to enhance social skills

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Social skills are learned behaviours. Having a learning disability or ADHD can affect the acquisition of these skills.  These skills may have to be broken down to their finest point and taught. These skills must also be practised and evaluated. Many parents fear that with summer approaching, and students going off in different directions, their child may not have many opportunities to practise their social skills. No need to worry, there are plenty of opportunities to get involved, learn and practise social skills over the summer months. For example, parents can help their child organize a get together.

If your child struggles socially the following tips should help things run smoothly.


• Always provide plenty of structure.
• Help your child plan an activity that their guests will enjoy.
• Talk to your child about how the get together will go, this will help lessen anxiety.
• Make sure they have one or two back up plans.
• Talk to them after their friends have left and provide kind and honest feedback with explicit details regarding their actions or conversations. 
Keep in mind those activities outside of the house where another adult is in charge, such as a cooking lesson or a rock climbing lesson, often supplies the right amount of structure and can take the pressure off the host. The activity should allow your child’s best attributes to shine. If they have a difficult time following direction then a cooking lesson may not be their thing. If they have difficulty handling disappointment then you’ll want to steer clear of anything too competitive until those coping skills are in place.

You may want to check out day camps that provide the opportunity to explore an interest and practise social skills. If you are worried that your child’s social needs may contribute to a negative experience there are a few questions that will aide you in choosing the right fit.


• What are your child’s interests?
• How does his/her learning needs contribute to his/her social needs? For example, is he/she impulsive or lack emotional control? Perhaps there is difficulty reading non-verbal cues.
• What do you want your child to gain from his/her experience?
• What does your child want to gain from their experience?
• Does he/she need structure?
• Does he/she become overwhelmed in a face paced environment or do they become bored if things move too slowly?

After considering your child there are a few questions you should seek answers to when looking for the right day camp experience.


• What is the ratio of counsellors to campers?
• How are the counsellors trained? What experience do they have with children who have similar social or learning needs?
• Can they send you a schedule of activities? How much unstructured time is on the schedule?
• How will they encourage harmony within the group?
You may consider a day program that will aide in the development of social skills while creating a fun experience. Turning Tides Community Outreach program delivers a social skills summer day camp for school aged children. The day camp directly teaches social skills and offers opportunities for practise through fun activities and feedback. If you would like more information regarding our social skills summer day camp please call (902) 404-TIDE (8433).

we want your comments!

Here's a little article I wrote recently for Parent Child Guide. I Hope you enjoy and I would love it if you would comment and share your opinion! What do you think should a parent be a friend?

TEENAGERS – A Rough Guide

By Angela .E. Rudderham

        To many the teen years seem the most challenging time in a child’s life for a parent. If you have a teenager who listens to you, respects you, is positive and a joy to have around; then stop reading as this article is not for you. This would be a guide for the other 99% of parents of teenagers who are trying to keep their sanity.  These are the toughest years for so many reasons. Parents are often trying to set boundaries and limitations to keep their child safe and on the path to the future they imagined for them. A teenager (by natural design) is trying to gain independence, to explore beyond the boundaries and test out the possibilities for the future they will choose for themselves. These are two opposing objectives, it’s no wonder there is so much conflict or strain. These experiences can cause a parent to second guess themselves. I will attempt to provide some answers to commonly asked questions I hear from parents of teenagers.

Is it okay for me to be my teenager’s friend?  No. It is not your role. They still need a parent. They need someone to show them the connection of their actions to the consequences they experience. This area of their brain is not fully developed yet. They are still learning and while they are, they need a moral compass, a coach, an executive assistant to keep them on time and on task and someone in charge to help them accept the responsibility of their actions and make better choices next time. Without a parent in charge all the responsibility falls to the child. This is too fast a transition from childhood to adulthood and can overwhelm the teenager. The easiest road for a parent is to be a friend but it should be about what the child needs not what makes the parent feel better. The reward for not being “the friend” during their teens is that they feel safe and you will have their respect and a true friendship throughout their adult life. Does this mean you don’t enjoy or do fun things together now? Of course not, but if you are into the role of a parent you have to accept that you won’t be their most favorite person every day and it’s okay if today they don’t like you.

Isn’t  it okay they drink, or smoke up as long as I know where they are? Really?  When we claim we want nothing but the best for our child and we end up settling for this, isn’t that a contradiction? Is the best scenario that they break the law and place themselves at risk and know you approve?  To me this reeks of someone who has given up, doesn’t know where else to turn or what else to try and that happens to the best of us. I believe if parents weren’t shamed when they admit they don’t know what to do or if help was readily available to them this would be a less common resort.  Before this becomes the reality seek out help and alternative suggestions.

Should I be creeping their Facebook or reading their texts? Yes.  Do you pay the internet and cell phone charges? How many murders, molestations kidnappings and suicides could have been prevented from a little creeping and looking into who your child is really talking to and what they are saying? And okay so you trust your angel with all your heart and they never gave you reason to doubt them, do you trust everyone else who may find a way to manipulate them or deceive them?

       Parents of teens have the toughest job; it’s a difficult transition for both the parent and the child. There should be no shame in admitting this. It is supposed to be this way. When faced with a challenging decision, forget about what is easiest or what creates the least friction or what will make you a more popular parent, ask one question, “What is in my child’s best interest?”

How to help your child get through exams

High school students across the province will be getting ready to write exams in the coming weeks.  If you're helping a teen prepare, this advice is for you!


By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Exam time is almost always stressful. Teens have often received the message that the results of their exams will directly impact their futures. The teen brain is not yet efficient in understanding the consequences of their actions or looking at how the decisions they make today will affect them tomorrow. This is why they may seem shocked, panicked and overwhelmed when they realize exam time really did come and their decision to, “put it off until tomorrow,” has  finally caught up with them. If you add into the mix any learning differences, lack of coping skills, lack of emotional control or anxiety, you can have a real crisis on your hands. Here are some tips to help you and your teen get through exam time.

·         Should have/could have lectures are not helpful now. It might seem like a great time to remind your teen that you were right all along when you were nagging them to study all year, but this will only serve to frustrate them and cause them to feel isolated in their despair. They need support now regardless of the fact that their own actions led to this moment.  However, a gentle reminder after exams of how a little preparation would have saved them from panic couldn’t hurt.

·         Listen, but say very little. When your teen is venting or crying and pouring their heart out with statements like, “I can’t do it, I’m too stupid, there’s too much work, the teacher sucked,” as hard as it is not to correct their negative statements, let it go. A healthy pity party may be the thing needed to expel some of the tension.  If you have to say something make it something like, “Tell me about it sweetheart.”

·         Stock the house with brain food and healthy snacks. Lots of Omega 3 fatty acid, found in nuts and salmon, help improve brain function and memory. Vitamin B repairs damage done by stress. Discourage junk food high in sugar and caffeine which can add to the jitters and later cause an energy crash.

·         Plan a relaxing escape or activity for your teen. Treat your teen to a massage, round of golf, yoga or any activity to help clear their minds and reduce stress. A stressed mind will not function at its maximum ability.

·         Help your teen manage their time. Create a study time schedule together. Help them break down lager tasks into smaller tasks.

·         Always start with organization first. Have them gather together all the material they’ve received during the term such as handouts, notes, old assignments, and old tests.  You should then have them organize their notes by date (there may be some guessing here) and make note of any missing dates/pages. Your teen can ask a friend or teacher for these later.

·         Identify main ideas. Encourage them to highlight or underline any key words, formulas, themes, and concepts.

·         Help your teen study by letting them teach you. Have them read their notes to you. Have them explain concepts and pretend to be the teacher. You can ask easy questions to help build their confidence.

·         Suggest your teen compile questions from old tests and create a super test. They can take this test and study the areas they had the most difficulty with. They should take this test again and again until they have no errors.

·         Discover what kind of learner your teen is. Get your teen to take a quick online test to determine their learning style which will help them identify how to maximize their study time. One such online test can be found at www.educationplanner.org

·         Tips for visual learners. Make lists, watch videos, use flashcards, use highlighters, underlining and use mind maps to summarize large tracts of information

·         Tips for auditory learners.  Read textbooks aloud, repeat facts with eyes closed, ask questions, and describe aloud what is to be remembered, use word association to remember facts and lines.

·         Tips for Tactile-Kinesthetic learners. Create a model, demonstrate a principle, practice a technique, participate in simulations, engage in hands-on activities, and study in comfortable position, not necessarily sitting in a chair.

Pulling it all together

For the last week, I have been blogging about Dr. Ross Greene and his approach to handling challenging kids. His focus has been on lagging skills, and unsolved problems occur when those skills are outstripped by the demands of the environment. Problems are solved when the adults and kids look at the skills that are lagging and come up with solutions together. It has been an eye opener because as I revisit and write about what I've learned, I have come to realize it's not much different than what happens inside these walls.

Bridgeway has been focusing on skills deficits when it comes to behaviour for years. When there is a behaviour issue at our school, students are asked to see our behaviour specialist. They sit together, discuss the situation and work together to come up with solutions. Over time, behaviours start to become less frequent.

But the focus on skills doesn't stop at the behaviour room. Because all of our students have learning disabilities, they all have skill deficits, whether it's in math, reading, social skills or behaviour. Every teacher and staff member focuses on the student and the skills that she/he may be lacking. Reading classes teach the child at the skill level they're at, and work to build those skills. Social skills classes help children learn the skills that they haven't developed because of where they are in their cognitive development. Teachers in curriculum know what skills deficits each child is facing, and adapts their teaching to accomodate.

How do we know where to start? Each of our students comes to us with a psycho-educational assessment, which is a professional measure of their skill deficits (and strengths) done by a psychologist. We do some additional testing so we can develop just the right balance of support of skills and use of strengths in a student's individual program. We keep working with a skills focus until kids start to learn - and succeed! It's a pretty amazing thing.

Of course, skills development can benefit any child, not just the ones inside Bridgeway.  That's why we started Turning Tides Community Outreach.  Through this program, we can offer social skills supports to children and youth in the community through after school or summer camp programs.  We can also offer academic and organizational skills suppots to children and adults through our tutoring programs.  And we can help parents and teachers support those new skills by providing them with training.  For more information on how we might be able to help you or your family, contact the Turning Tides office at 902-404-TIDE (8433).  

Rhonda

Plan B - Or solving unsolved problems together

Finally, we're at the meat of  Dr. Greene's presentation - helping challenging kids to be less challenging. I'm sorry to have been so long-winded on this one, but wanted to share the information I have learned. I'm going to tie Dr. Greene's approach to Bridgeway and Turning Tide's approach soon, but first I wanted to get into some detail on Plan B. I can't cover it all, so if you're interested in learning more, please check out Dr. Greene's website or pick up his books - The Explosive Child and Lost at School.

Rhonda

Plan B is the collaborative problem solving approach I mentioned a few days ago, and is the recommended approach to helping a challenging child with lagging skills. This approach makes the child a fully-invested participant, solutions are more durable, and (over time), the child - and often the adult - learn the skills they were lacking all along.

A quick note now on when the best time to start this process would be. It's not in the middle of a heated moment, which would be reactive intervention. Plan C might be a better approach in those moments. Instead, Plan B is most effective when it's done proactively, or when things are calm.

There are three basic steps in the Plan B process, with the first being the Empathy step. The goal is to gather as much information as you can to get the clearest possible understanding of the kid's concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem. Ask the child what they're being bugged about or getting in trouble for - those are the unsolved problems! Stay neutral, but get specific - when, where, with whom, etc.

Now kids aren't always going to open up, and Dr. Greene has some suggestions for drilling for information. I won't get into the details here, but he has some terrific "How To" videos on his site. You can see those here. He also has a Plan B Cheat Sheet worth checking out too.

So once the information is gathered, it's time for the next step - Define the Problem. The goal of this step is to ensure the adult's concern or perspective is entered into consideration. The definition of the problem at this stage is - two concerns that have yet to be reconciled. This is tough because as adults, we usually want to skip this part and go straight to solutions. Kids tend to do the same thing, triggering what's called dueling solutions - also known as a power struggle. You can't start thinking about solutions until the concerns of both parties are clarified.

The third and final step is The Invitation Step. The goal here is to brainstorm solutions that will address the concerns of both parties. It's called the invitation step because the adult is inviting the child to solve the problem together. You want to address the concerns of both parties, and offer the child an opportunity to propose solutions. Remember, you're not a genius - you don't know how the problem will be solved.

Solutions should be realistic and mutally satisfactory. It will take time, and it's hard! Don't forget, the aim isn't to determine what happens in the heat of the moment, but solve the problem so the heat of the moment doesn't occur at all.

So that's it! There is a lot more detail available in Dr. Green's books or his website, and if this feels like something you'd like to try, I'd encourage you do check it out. But you will need bravery, persistence and continuity. As Dr. Greene says, you'll need practice, and the process is incremental.

Good luck!

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

So what skills should we be focusing on?

So we've figured out that lagging skills are behind challenging behaviours, and they emerge when the demands in the environment outstrip the skills a child has (aka, The Unsolved Problem). We can't move on to coming up with solutions until we figure out what skills might need support. How to do that? Dr. Greene has a solution. Read on for more info.

Rhonda

To help us figure out what lagging skills we might be dealing with, Dr. Greene has developed a one-page assessment tool he swears we can all use - the ALSUP, or Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems. It's a list of lagging skills and unsolved problems. Where do you get your hands on one? Right here. Dr. Green has made this tool and several others available on his website www.livesinthebalance.com. I would definitely encourage you to go to the site and explore - after you're finished reading this blog, of course!

So why fill out the ALSUP? It's to engage us (the adults) in a conversation, and helps us focus on the things we can actually do something about. Dr. Greene suggests that the goal is to have a meaningful discussion about the degree to which each lagging skill applies to a particular child. If you identify a lagging skill, the next step is to identify examples of when you're seeing it (the unsolved problems, which are conditions in which behaviours are occuring) and the degree to which it's occuring.

Once that conversation has taken place, you can then move on to finding new ways to handling unsolved problems. Dr. Greene identifies three options - Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.

I'll start with Plan A. This is the imposition of adult will, and you're doing it if you're saying "No," or "You can't" or if you're insisting tasks are completed, or you're taking away things like TV time until something is done. This is pretty common, and won't generally set the stage for challenging behaviour in an ordinary kid. However, Plan A is not the preferred approach for challenging kids, despite the name. In fact, it's more likely to cause an explosion. Why is that? Because as Dr. Greene points out, challenging kids don't have a Plan A brain. If the child doesn't have the skills to handle Plan A, you've placed a cognitive demand on him that outstrips his capacity to respond appropriately. Plan A doesn't usually help to get the homework or other tasks done, and isn't helping the child to be more flexible, tolerate frustration more adaptively or solve problems more effectively. It just sets the stage for more explosions. The common sense solution - if Plan A isn't working, stop using it.

I'm going to skip Plan B for a moment and go straight to Plan C. That's when you drop expectations completely, at least temporarily. This isn't the same as giving in. That's when you start with Plan A and throw your hands up in frustration. With Plan C, you're intentionally and proactively decided to drop a given expectation, either because it's unrealiztic or you have other higher-priority expectations to pursue. This can be really hard, but if you're not dealing with the explosions, you can start working on development of other skills. Which leads us to...

Plan B! This is the plan Dr. Greene refers to Collaborative Problem Solving. It's fairly detailed, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to make you wait one more day for more info!

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

Don't blame the parents - or the kids!

There was a time when challenging behaviour in children was linked to poor parenting. There was a belief that behaviours due to passive, permissive, inconsistent or non-contingent parenting (no consequences). In other words, because of poor parenting, kids learned that challenging behaviour is an effective means of getting something, or escaping or avoiding something. But now that we know that challenging behaviours happen when the cognitive demands being placed on the child outstrip his/her capacity to respond adaptively, we know that our parenting isn't to blame. Finally, one less thing to feel guilty about!

So now that we know why, what should we do about it? Here's a little bit more context and Dr. Ross Greene's solution - Collaborative Problem Solving.

RhondaSo we've figured out that lagging cognitive skills are the root of challenging behaviours, and challenging behaviours emerge when the lack of skills clashes with the demands of the environment. If the skills are there - no behaviour. If the skills aren't there, but there's no demand either - no behaviour. No skills and demand - challenging behaviour. That's pretty straightforward. But how do we fix it? That's the question that had me squirming in my seat at last week's presentation by Dr. Greene.

But he had a bit more information to share first. (And yes, it's another mantra!) Incompatibility episodes cannot be viewed outside the context of development. The goal of intervention is to move development forward. Cognitive skills don't develop equally - we have neuroscience to prove it - but they can be developed with intervention. But we have to start where the child is now to get to the endpoint. (In other words, it's not the child's fault their brain developed differently!)

OK, we're almost ready for the how, but not quite yet. Let's answer the last question - the one I mentioned wasn't as important as the rest - What do challenging kids do when they're challenging? Basically, there are a variety of challenging behaviours when the clash of forces occurs, distinguished primarly by their severity. That could be anything from whining and sulking to head banging, cutting, or suicide - and everything in between. All the things humans do in response to unsolved problems. Dr. Greene calls those behaviours The Spectrum of Looking Bad. We all look bad when our skills are outstripped by the demand placed upon us, it's just a matter of degree. Don't forget - the behaviour itself is less important than the reasons for the behaviour.

OK, so the how. I can't explain it all today (yep, you guessed it, another blog posting is coming your way!). Dr. Greene calls his approach to helping challenging kids collaborative problem solving. Sounds straightforward - working together to solve problems. But it's a little more detailed than that, and relies on the adults to take a proactive approach rather than a reactive approach. Details tomorrow, but here are the general goals of the approach:

Lenses come first
- make sure that caregivers understand why incompatibility episodes occur (lagging skills and demand for those skills).

Get organized
- identify the specific situations in which incompatibility episodes occur (unsolved problems)
- create mechanisms for communication, continuity and proactive intervention.

Get busy
- solve problems and teach skills,

Tomorrow, a bit more info on assessing lagging skills and unsolved problems.

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

The clash of two forces - Or when challenging kids are challenging

So are you starting to get the feeling that I really like Dr. Green and his philosophies? It's common sense, but often hard for us to see when a child is melting down in front of us. A little understanding definitely goes a long way, so I'll be sharing Dr. Greene's wisdom for at least a few more days.

Rhonda

So have you noticed that challenging kids aren't always challenging? They can work and cope in certain situations, but others will set off the negative behaviours. Why is that?

The answer, according to Dr. Greene, is "The Clash of Two Forces." Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? It's not really, just a bit of common sense:

Challenging episodes occur when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip the person's capacity to respond adaptively.

That's it. I'm sure we've all had moments when the circumstances we're in lead us to think, "I can't handle this." We're recognizing that we may not have the skills to do what we need to do.

Dr. Greene calls the "when" of challenging behaviour The Unsolved Problem. He defines unsolved problems as, the specific conditions in which the demands being placed upon a person exceed the person's capacity to respond adaptively. I'm not going to swim across the Halifax Harbour because I don't have the swimming skills and stamina to do it. Why should we expect a child with no emotional regulation skills to keep it together when they're feeling disappointed?

That leads us to another mantra - Behind every compatibility episode is a lagging skill and a demand for that skill (an unsolved problem).

When we're presented with an unsolved problem, we solve it. It's no different for challenging behaviours. That's the third question Dr. Greene presents (remember the list I shared a few days ago?) - What are we going to do differently now that we know why challenging kids are challenging? We'll get to that answer over the next few days.

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

Kids do well if they can

The mantra - kids do well if they can - is one that I have been repeating to myself over the last several weeks. The idea that even challening kids have this innate desire to do well, rather falling into behaviours because they don't want to do well, is so refreshing. But what is getting in the way? Again, some advice from Dr. Greene...

Rhonda

Why are challenging kids challenging? You could look to a clinical diagnosis for the explanation - oppositional definance disorder, ADHD, bipolar, etc. - but it doesn't really answer the question. If we start with Dr. Greene's statement - kids do well if they can - it can help us look at a challenging child a different way.

The first step in the process is to stop focusing on the diagnosis and start focusing on the skills the child is lacking. Maybe they are impulsive, have difficulty considering the impact of their actions, or struggle with planning and problem solving. Maybe the behaviour is not because they don't have the motivation, but because they don't have the skills to deal with certain situations.

Imagine if you were trying to succeed at work but didn't have the skills to do what you needed to do. Would you be on time for work every day if you had no sense of time? Could you take on that big project if you didn't have problem solving or planning skills? How would you feel if you tried, over and over again, to get job tasks like these like this done, but kept failing - and getting in trouble for it?

Before we can get to the bottom of what is making any child so challenging, Dr. Greene suggests we must answer the following questions:

• Why are challenging kids so challenging?
• When are challenging kids challenging?
• What are we going to do differently now that we know why challenging kids are challenging?

And less important,

• What do challenging kids do when they're challenging?

Doing well is always preferable to not doing well - another mantra from Dr. Greene. So let's start with why some kids are so challenging. What's getting in the way? Here's Dr. Green's unconventional answer:

Challenging kids are challenging because they're lacking the skills not to be challenging...they are delayed in the development of crucial cognitive skills - often including flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. Challenging behaviour communicates that the kid doesn't have the skills to respond to problems more adaptively.

So you can see why discipline and punishment doesn't work - it's not addressing the root of the problem. In fact, it's probably making it worse.

How can we help? We don't know that until we can get through the rest of the questions Dr. Greene has laid out. Tomorrow's blog - when are challenging kids challenging?

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

Dealing with Challenging kids - Thank you Dr. Greene

For the next few days, we'll be featuring a guest blog by Rhonda Brown, Director of Communications at our sister organization, Bridgeway Academy.  She attended a full-day presentation last month in Halifax by Dr. Ross Green, child psychologist and author of "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School."  She'll share her thoughts on what she learned here in the blog.  You can also read about his philosophies on his website - www.livesinthebalance.org.

Enjoy!

By Rhonda Brown

I have always believed that kids who misbehave, disengage, drop out, or otherwise resist being successful in school are dealing with something more than a lack of interest, laziness or a failure to try. They actually lack the skills they need to be successful.  It's a philosophy that Bridgeway shares, and that's why we focus on skill development (academic, social and behavioural) with our students.  Dr. Greene shares this point of view - and has the neuroscience to back it up!

But don't take it from me. I'll have Dr. Greene explain in his own words, which are from the very first paragraph of his book, "Lost at School".

The wasted human potential is tragic. In so many schools, kids with social, emotional, and behavioural challenges are still poorly understood and treated in a way that is completely at odds with what is now known about how they came to be challenging in the first place. The frustration and desperation felt by teachers and parents is palpable. Many teachers continue to experience enormous stress related to classroom behaviour problems and from dealing with parents, and do not receive the support they need to help their challenging students. Half of teachers leave the profession within their first four years, and kids with behavioural challenges and their parents are cited as one of the major reasons. Parents know there's trouble at school, know they're being blamed, feel their kids are misunderstood and mistreated, but feel powerless to make things better and are discouraged and put off by their interactions with school personnel.

Dr. Greene goes on to talk about how our school discipline models are broken, and getting tougher with kids isn't working. He cites some amazing statistics - zero tolerance polices designed to make schools safer or offer a more effective way of dealing with behaviour have actually increased behaviour and dropout rates. But schools continue to hand out expulsions and suspensions - 110,000 and 3 million respectively each year in the US.

But what Dr. Greene made clear is that it doesn't have to be this way. Here again are his words:

"I interact with hundreds of challenging kids every year. These kids would like nothing better than to be able to handle the social, emotional, and behavioural challenges being placed on them at school and in life, but they can't seem to pull it off. Many have been getting into trouble for so long that they've lost faith that any adult will ever know how to help them.

Dr. Greene gave us a few key mantras during his presentation on Thursday. Here's the first: Kids do well if they can. It's up to us as adults to figure out why so we can help.

Tomorrow, I'll share some of Dr. Greene's advice on what each of us dealing with a challenging child needs to figure out before we can help.

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

Bill Strickland - Hope & Possibility

Bill Strickland believes in hope and possibility. He believes that the impossible can be made possible. Officially, he is a "nationally recognized as a visionary leader who authentically delivers educational and cultural opportunities to students and adults within an organizational culture that fosters innovation, creativity, responsibility and integrity." He has created an arts, education and job-training program in Pittsburg, which he hopes to replicate around the world.

Bill Strickland will bring his vision to Halifax this spring as one of the keynote speakers at Emergent Learning: Turning Tides in 21st Century Education. Before he gets here, we'll explore his ideas, his books and his success stories on our blog. Here's a terrific introduction as Bill speaks about his story and the story of Manchester Bidwell Corporation. Enjoy!

Should my child have a tutor?

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Every parent wants their child to succeed in school and have a future full of opportunities and possibilities. We send them to school each day with all their supplies and a balanced lunch and trust that our educators will work to develop our child’s true potential and foster in them a desire to learn. 

Unfortunately, not every child’s true potential is unlocked from simply attending school. 

In fact, 15-year-olds in Nova Scotia scored statistically lower than the Canadian average according to Statistics Canada Labour Force Survey 2006.  Math scores in Nova Scotia were some of the country’s lowest as found in Measuring up: Canadian Results of the OECD PISA Study Ottawa, Statistics Canada, 2007.  Literacy was the lowest in the country and the dropout rate was 8.6% says Statistics Canada Labour Force Survey 2010.  Only 28% of students from Nova Scotia will go on to university and 8% will go on to a college or trade education (Labour force survey 2006). 

All of this evidence tells us our children will most likely need other supports to ensure their success.  The question is, when is additional support necessary?

You may want to consider tutoring if:

Your child still needs help mastering basic skills.  Teachers will move forward whether your child has mastered the skill or not. If basic skills are not mastered than the student will struggle when relying on them to solve more complex problems. These skills need to be re- taught until mastered.

Your child struggles with organization, working independently or lacks study skills. Often the brightest students who learn quickly may lack organizational skills or become overwhelmed when faced with a testing situation. Anyone can benefit from learning how to organize notes, break down large assignments, meet due dates or discover how they best take in information.

Your child has a learning disability.  This will interfere with the learning process in areas such as the intake, storage, processing, retrieval and/or output of information. A tutoring service that has extensive experience and training in helping students with learning disabilities should be able to show the student how they learn best and provide strategies for independent success.

Your child is struggling with big life changes.  A move, divorce, new school, family issues can all contribute to your child being distracted from their school work. Working closely with a tutor will ensure a smoother transition.

Your child struggles with behavioral, social or emotional needs.  Often these needs can contribute to missed instruction time. A tutor with experience working with students who have had similar needs will often have a large tool box of strategies to draw from to keep your child engaged and on track.

Your child has missed a lot of school due to medical or other reasons. A tutor can go back and teach what was missed and help the student gain back the confidence that they may have lost. They can also work around the student’s schedule.

You want to give your child the competitive edge to get ahead.  There is always room for improvement. Striving to do our personal best is an excellent habit to develop at any age.

Your child needs homework support.  Parents, homework and the student can sometimes be an unpleasant combination to say the least. In most homes both parents are working or have other major responsibilities and there just isn’t time to give your child the homework support they need without it taking on a rushed or negative tone. Let someone else be the “bad “guy and save your parent/ child time for the important stuff like hugs and kisses.

The right tutoring service will be able to match your child’s needs with the right program. They should understand the importance of rappot building between the student and the tutor. The tutor should be willing to work with your child’s teacher, provide regular updates and reports and improvements should be noticed after a few months. Be wary of services that will not let you observe or listen in on sessions at least once or have no way to measure the acquisition of new skills.

There is little doubt that anyone can benefit from tutoring.  Do your homework and shop around.  Ask questions and compare services and prices until you find the right fit.

Angela is a behaviour and social skills specialist who has developed programs for students, as well as support workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals.  Turning Tides Community Outreach offers tutoring services to meet the academic, social, behavioural and organizatonal needs of any child.  For more information or advice, please give Angela a call at 902-404-TIDE (8433).

Do you know the signs a child may be struggling with a Learning Disability?

By Angela .E. Rudderham

 A recent study called, “Putting a Face on Learning Disabilities”, used Statistics Canada survey data and focus groups with adults and children with learning disabilities, as well as with parents of children with learning disabilities. The results are that undiagnosed learning disabilities often lead to long-lasting psychological harm.

Without intervention, support or accommodations children are less likely to succeed in school, and adults less likely to graduate or be employed, and more likely to report suicidal thoughts, depression, or anxiety. When you have a learning disability it is not just a matter of “trying harder” - further intervention is necessary for the student to learn what he will need to achieve success.

It's not uncommon for students to struggle in or dislike school. It's not uncommon that a student may not excel in a particular area of school or not achieve marks that reflect their true potential. So how do parents and educators spot the sometimes subtle warning signs that a student may have a learning disability?

A learning disability doesn't mean the student is slow. So many times I hear people deny a child’s possible learning disability in statements such as, “No he definitely wouldn’t have a LD, he is very bright and intelligent.” This does not mean he is exempt from a learning disability. Plenty of highly intelligent people have been diagnosed with a learning disability. In fact one of the first steps professionals take in diagnosing a learning disability is to determine the  child’s potential (IQ) and compare it to the child’s performance. They do this through a series of tests called a psycho educational assessment.  They are looking for any issues in the learning process.

They will look at how the individual:

ü  Takes in information. There could be a problem with how the brain interprets what the eyes see; this is called visual perception disorder. It could be an issue taking in sounds; this is referred to as an auditory perception or auditory processing disorder.

ü   Makes sense of or processes information. Someone who has difficulty in this area may have trouble organizing their thoughts or struggle with the ability to infer meaning.

ü  Stores information. The individual may have deficits in the area of short term memory, working memory or long term memory.

ü  Is using or getting information out.  Difficulty coordinating the muscles of the hand (a grapho-motor problem) greatly affects a student’s hand writing. Getting thoughts onto paper can also be a problem for those who have trouble in this area. Language output issues, including problems organizing thoughts, finding the right words, and expressing themselves can be detected.

A very intelligent person can have a glitch in one or more of these areas. When trying to identify whether a child may have a learning disability leave intelligence out of the indicators and think about the following.

• Did your child struggle learning phonemes (individual units of sound) and graphemes (letters, numbers)? Or do they have difficulty learning how to blend sounds and letters to sound out words? Problems remembering familiar words by sight or difficulty with reading comprehension?
• Do they struggle with forming letters and numbers or have difficulty with basic spelling and grammar?
• Do they experience difficulties learning math skills and doing math calculations?
• Is it difficult for them to remember facts?
• Is organizing materials (notebook, binder, papers), information, and/or concepts a challenge?
• Do they have trouble understanding oral instructions and an inability to express them self verbally?
• Do they struggle with making, maintaining or repairing friendships?
• Do they often lose or forget materials, or do work and forget to turn it into the teacher?
• Do they struggle to plan out the steps and time lines for completing projects, especially long-term projects?
• Do they have difficulty organizing thoughts for written reports or public speaking?
• Have they developed behaviors that help them to avoid their school work?
• Do they frustrate easily?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions it is in the child’s best interest to have them assessed to discover or rule out the presence of a learning disability. Some types of LD are not apparent until middle school or high school. They only way to get a sure diagnosis is to have a psychologist do a psycho educational assessment. This can be done through your child’s school; however there is often a long wait. If you choose you can have this testing done privately through a psychologist for a fee. Regardless early identification can pave the way for children to get the support they need to experience success both now and in the future.

Is your child's LD affecting their social skills?

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

One thing I know for sure is that every good parent wants their child to be happy.  I also know that children who are rejected by their peers have a very difficult time finding happiness. They dread going to school with fears running through their minds, “I’ll probably be picked last in gym again and I’ll hide out in the washroom during lunch to avoid getting teased.” Or “My teacher hates me, she never sees what anyone does to me, and she seems to only catch me when I defend myself!”  With these very real concerns who can concentrate on academics? 

I hear these concerns everyday from new students who start our program at Bridgeway, a school for students with learning disabilities. Learning disabilities or LD’s,  can contribute to varying social difficulties that can play a huge factor in a student’s daily life that many of us may not fully understand.  A student with a non-verbal learning disability (NLD), for example, may not be able to interpret non-verbal communication such as understanding what facial expressions mean (interpretation), how close to stand to someone when speaking with them (proxemtics), or how their body language is being interpreted by others (perception). In some cases a student may even misunderstand the emotional attachment to words (distortion).  Since the experts tell us that at least 75% of our communication is delivered though non-verbal communication this tells us that these students are missing out on a great deal of information regarding themselves and others. Imagine the social ramifications of not receiving the message that the person you are speaking with is no longer interested in speaking with you.  Or maybe the group that has surrounded you to compliment your new clothes is actually laughing at you. 

We also have students with attention deficit disorder. One area a student with ADHD - combined type  may struggle with is impulsivity. This means that as soon as the child has an impulse they may act on it before their brain has had time to consider things like rules, the feelings of others, or the outcome of their actions. The student with ADHD may grab things before asking, break rules repeatedly, or even swing at someone who accidentally stepped on their toes in a line–up. Adults who are under-informed regarding ADHD may scold or punish these children, causing even more feelings of rejection. Students with language processing deficits, measurable cognitive limitations, complex learning disorders and hyperactivity are more likely to experience social deficits.

When students first arrive at Bridgeway, they are shocked to find out how different their experience is at our school. We train our staff to understand how a student’s learning disability or ADD directly affects their relationships with others. In our program we focus on what can be done to help students learn the skills necessary to engage socially.  Just like the skills that accompany hockey, social skills can be broken down and taught, practiced and reinforced to create skill acquisition and generalization.

Sending your child to their room or taking away their favorite toy for socially unacceptable behaviors just doesn’t work. You wouldn’t teach spelling by asking your child to spell a new word and then punishing them when they misspell it. Instead, you would provide them with the correct spelling and have them practice it until it becomes routine. This strategy will work for your child’s social mistakes as well. When your child chooses a socially unacceptable behavior immediately find a private place to rehearse the socially appropriate behavior. Model it for them, have the child practice it; provide positive feedback concentrating on the cause and effect of the desirable and undesirable behavior. Look for numerous opportunities in public or on TV where you can show your child someone else using the correct behavior. Remember to keep it light and very positive. Make a game out of it! Don’t worry with a little invested time you can find an abundance of information out there for assisting your child with their social deficits.  Check out your local library or online search engines. Understanding will create the ‘Bridgeway for Change’

Angela is a behaviour and social skills specialist who has developed social skills and behaviour programs for students at Bridgeway Academy.  Through Turning Tides Community Outreach, she is now offering social skills programs for all youth, as well as support workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals. For more information or advice, please give Angela a call at 902-404-TIDE (8433).