How does a learning disability affect the parents of a child?

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Research indicates that parental reaction to the diagnosis of learning disability is more pronounced than in any other area of exceptionality. Consider: if a child is mentally or physically handicapped, the parent becomes aware of the problem in the first few weeks of the child's life. However, the pre-school development of the learning disabled child is often uneventful and the parent does not suspect that a problem exists. When informed of the problem by elementary school personnel, a parent's first reaction is generally to deny the existence of a disability. This denial is, of course, unproductive. The father tends to remain in this stage for a prolonged period because he is not exposed to the child's day-to-day frustrations and failures.

Research conducted by Eleanor Whitehead suggests that the parent of an LD child goes through a series of emotions before truly accepting the child and his problem. These "stages" are totally unpredictable. A parent may move from stage-to-stage in random. Some parents skip over stages while others remain in one stage for an extended period. These stages are as follows:

DENIAL: "There is really nothing wrong!" "That's the way I was as a child--not to worry!" "He'll grow out of it!"

BLAME: "You baby him!" "You expect too much of him." "It's not from my side of the family."

FEAR: "Maybe they're not telling me the real problem!" "Is it worse than they say?" "Will he ever marry? go to college? graduate?"

ENVY: "Why can't he be like his sister or his cousins?"

MOURNING: "He could have been such a success, if not for the learning disability!"

BARGAINING: "Wait 'till next year!" "Maybe the problem will improve if we move! (or he goes to camp, etc.)."

ANGER: "The teachers don't know anything." "I hate this neighborhood, this school...this teacher."

GUILT: "My mother was right; I should have used cloth diapers when he was a baby." "I shouldn't have worked during his first year." "I am being punished for something and my child is suffering as a result."

ISOLATION: "Nobody else knows or cares about my child." "You and I against the world. No one else understands."

FLIGHT: "Let's try this new therapy--Donahue says it works!" "We are going to go from clinic to clinic until somebody tells me what I want to hear.!"

Again, the pattern of these reactions is totally unpredictable. This situation is worsened by the fact that frequently the mother and father may be involved in different and conflicting stages at the same time (e.g., blame vs. denial; anger vs. guilt). This can make communication very difficult.

The good news is that with proper help, most LD children can make excellent progress. There are many successful adults such as attorneys, business executives, physicians, teachers, etc. who had learning disabilities but overcame them and became successful. Now with special education and many special materials, LD children can be helped early.

Pointers for parents of children with learning disabilities:

1.   Take the time to listen to your children as much as you can (really try to get their "Message").

2.   Love them by touching them, hugging them, tickling them, wrestling with them (they need lots of physical contact).

3.   Look for and encourage their strengths, interests, and abilities. Help them to use these as compensations for any limitations or disabilities.

4.   Reward them with praise, good words, smiles, and pat on the back as often as you can.

5.   Accept them for what they are and for their human potential for growth and development. Be realistic in your expectations and demands.

6.   Involve them in establishing rules and regulations, schedules, and family activities.

7.   Tell them when they misbehave and explain how you feel about their behavior; then have them propose other more acceptable ways of behaving.

8.   Help them to correct their errors and mistakes by showing or demonstrating what they should do.

9.   Don't nag!

10.  Give them reasonable chores and a regular family work responsibility whenever possible.

11.  Give them an allowance as early as possible and then help them plan to spend within it.

12.  Provide toys, games, motor activities and opportunities that will stimulate them in their development.

13.  Read enjoyable stories to them and with them. Encourage them to ask questions, discuss stories, tell the story, and to reread stories.

14.  Further their ability to concentrate by reducing distracting aspects of their environment as much as possible (provide them with a place to work, study and play).

15.  Don't get hung up on traditional school grades! It is important that they progress at their own rates and be rewarded for doing so.

16.  Take them to libraries and encourage them to select and check out books of interest.

17.  Have them share their books with you.

18.  Provide stimulating books and reading material around the house.

19.  Help them to develop self-esteem and to compete with self rather than with others.

20.  Insist that they cooperate socially by playing, helping, and serving others in the family and the community.

21.  Serve as a model to them by reading and discussing material of personal interest. Share with them some of the things you are reading and doing.

22.  Don't hesitate to consult with teachers or other specialists whenever you feel it to be necessary in order to better understand what might be done to help your child learn.

Angela is a behaviour and social skills specialist who has developed programs for students, as well as support workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals. For more information or advice, please give Angela a call at 902-404-TIDE (8433).

What to say to support family or friends whose child may be dealing with mental health issues

When you're struggling to help a child deal with a mental health issue, you can feel alone.  Here's some advice on supporting friends or family who are trying to cope.


By Theresa Tayler, Calgary Herald

What would you do if a family member or close friend confided in you their child was struggling with a mental health issue?

It can be hard to find the right words to support someone who may be worried about their child’s health and their future.

Here are some tips from Dianna Campbell-Smith, Director, Counselling Initiatives, Calgary Counselling Centre, on what you can say to help support a parent or family during this time.

1. Assure them that their child’s mental health issue does not reflect on their parenting.

2. Let them know it’s not a big deal to ask for help by reminding them that if their child had an earache, they would visit a doctor. This is no different: checking on a concern is better than writing off a child’s behaviour as “just a phase.”

3. Tell them to trust their gut feelings — if something doesn’t seem right with their child, encourage them to ask a knowledgeable, trusted adviser for their opinion.

4. If a parent says their child has not expressed to them that they feel depressed or out of sorts, remind them that kids may not have the words for what they’re feeling. Acting out may be a signal of distress. Behavioural changes should be the alert that something may be up.

5. Remind them that it’s important to listen to their child, no matter what age they are, and to take the child’s concerns seriously.

6. Encourage them to act quickly. Getting a child treatment as soon as possible lessens the impact and long-term effects of mental health issues. Suggest that it may be better to have their child see a professional who can assess them than to leave the situation to get worse.

7. Long-term health gains far outweigh any short-term inconvenience involved in accessing help or getting treatment. Let the parent know it’s OK to be an aggressive advocate for their child; they don’t have to apologize. Mental health is just as important as their child’s marks and their physical health.


Read more: http://www.calgaryherald.com/health/What+support+family+friends+whose+child+dealing+with+mental+health+issues/5523736/story.html#ixzz1aQKHQxvI

Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

By Angela E. Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

If you have children, you probably worry constantly about doing the right thing for them.  This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips for parenting with less energy.

Find your magic silent voice

Have there been times during parenthood that you’ve felt like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon?  It’s as if your child is only hearing, “wa wa wa wa wa” when you speak? There are a few reasons for this.  Statistics show that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day.  Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue, etc.  The result?  They’re really good at tuning us out.

It’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells, the less a child will listen.  Instead, make a calm, polite request.  If the child doesn’t act, make the request again, but add what will happen if the child chooses not to comply.  If the child doesn’t act, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence.  

If the child is upset and protesting, don’t engage in reasoning, bargaining or explaining again. Remember energy conservation is the goal.  Instead, empathize in one short sentence.  “I really wish you had made the right choice, mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.”  Don’t have any further discussion.  

Remember, all serious requests should be done by lowering your voice.  Many of history’s most effective leaders used dramatic pauses and lowered their tone and volume to hold their listener’s attention. Yelling and losing it will only exhaust you and prevent your child from hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work

We live in a busy productive world and have responsibilities and obligations outside of our homes.  You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you’re fully present when engaged in quality time with your child.  Children know when you’re pretending to listen or your mind is on something else.  This why you can be with them every day for several hours and still hear, “You never spend any time with me.”  

If this is the only type of interaction your children have with you, their self-esteem may suffer.  They will quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you’re angry.  In their minds, negative attention is better than no attention.  You can have a more positive relationship if you set aside definite quality time with your child.  It can be 15 minutes a day, or a full Saturday.  What matters is that you don’t engage in other activities at the same time - answering the phone, texting, checking e-mail, or doing the dishes.  

Do not engage

Young people will often test the person in charge.  When they’re not satisfied with the final word, they may argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues.  Don’t take the bait.  When you become upset or rattled, you’ve lost your authority.  

When your child starts to raise their voice or becomes disrespectful in any way, you need to remain calm and end the conversation.  Your child will quickly learn that she can’t communicate with you in an aggressive way because she’ll lose her audience.  Simply tell her, “When you’re able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and then leave.  You’re controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to calm down and use your problem-solving skills rather than raw emotion.