Positive
Parenting for Tired Parents
To
gain control of the situation we must first gain control of ourselves
You
love them, provide for them, sacrifice for them, and have at least twenty years
of life experience over them; however, this alone will never save you from
dramatic statements such as “you’re ruining my life.” If you have children then
you are probably tired and worried constantly about doing the right thing for
them. This can be mentally and
physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips to
accomplishing more in parenting yet expending less energy.
Find
your magic silent voice – Have there been times
during parenthood that you have felt like the teacher on Charlie Brown? It’s as
if your child is only hearing “Wa wa Maw wa wa” when you talk. There are a few
obvious reasons for this. Statistics say that we give our children over 2000
compliance requests a day. Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use
a tissue ect. The result seems to be that they are now really good at tuning us
out. In fact it’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells the
less a child will listen. Like the Elvis song says, “a little less conversation
a little more action” is needed. Each time make a calm polite request. If this
request is not adhered to make the request again but also state what can happen
if the child chooses not to comply. And do not repeat this request more than
once. If the child does not comply, calmly and silently follow through on the
consequence you stated would happen. For example; “Johnny Dear, I need you to
pick up your toys in the next five minutes.” Set a timer for him for 5 minutes.
You noticed there are 60 seconds left and Johnny has not moved. Now you say in
a very calm and quiet voice “Johnny Dear, I need you to pick up your toys in
the next minute because if you don’t it shows you are not able to take care of
them and mommy will have to take them away for a few days.” If he hasn’t done
this by the time you’ve asked, then quietly and kindly pick up the toys. If he
is upset and protesting simply do not engage in reasoning and bargaining or
explaining again. Remember “Energy Conservation” simply empathize. One short
sentence is all that is needed. “I know, I really wish you had made the right choice,
mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.” Do not have further discussion.
All serious requests should be done by lowering your voice rather than raising
your voice. If you look at history’s most notorious leaders, you will notice
that during their speeches they used dramatic pauses and the lowering of their
tone and volume to hold their listeners attention. Yelling and losing it will
only exhaust you and vaccinate your child against hearing your voice.
Stop feeling guilty about having to work – We
live in a busy productive world. We unfortunately have responsibilities and
obligations. You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle
to your child as long as you are fully present when engaged in quality time
with your child. It truly is about quality over quantity. Children know when you are pretending to
listen or if your mind in on something else. This why you can be with them
every day from 3-8 and still hear your child say |”you never spend any time
with me.” If this is the only type of interaction they have with you their
self-esteem may suffer and they will quickly realize they can receive your full
attention when you are angry. Negative attention is better than no attention.
Set aside definite quality time with your child. It can be 15 minutes a day, or
a full Saturday. What matters is that you do not answer the phone, text, check
your email or do the dishes at this time. During this time do not judge.
Remember feelings are never wrong. For example if your child complained of
“never getting to have fun,” instead of providing examples of why that is not
true, validate her feelings by asking what types of activities she thinks would
be fun. When parents feel guilty they
have a tendency to over indulge their child. They may allow poor behaviour or
expensive gifts so that the child will not be mad at them. This does not teach
the child responsibility or love.
Do not engage – young
people will often test the person in charge. When they are not satisfied with
the final word they will possibly argue, throw fits or bring up new or past
issues. Do not take the bait. When you become upset or rattled you have lost
your authority. More importantly the issue is lost in a pile of shouts and
accusations that usually end with slamming doors and soaked pillows. This is
very emotionally draining and is not teaching assertive communication. When
your child starts to raise their voice, insult or be disrespectful in any way
you need to remain calm, in control and end the conversation. Your child will
learn quickly that she cannot communicate with you in an aggressive way because
she will lose her audience. Simply state “when you are able to speak properly
to me you can try again,” and then leave. You are then truly controlling the situation
and saving yourself a lot of energy.
Parenting is the
hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes
make it. Remember to calm down and use more of your problem solving skills
rather than raw emotions unless you’re giving praise.
If you would
like more positive parenting tips check out Bridgeway Academy’s workshop
series.
