Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

By Angela E. Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

If you have children, you probably worry constantly about doing the right thing for them.  This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips for parenting with less energy.

Find your magic silent voice

Have there been times during parenthood that you’ve felt like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon?  It’s as if your child is only hearing, “wa wa wa wa wa” when you speak? There are a few reasons for this.  Statistics show that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day.  Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue, etc.  The result?  They’re really good at tuning us out.

It’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells, the less a child will listen.  Instead, make a calm, polite request.  If the child doesn’t act, make the request again, but add what will happen if the child chooses not to comply.  If the child doesn’t act, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence.  

If the child is upset and protesting, don’t engage in reasoning, bargaining or explaining again. Remember energy conservation is the goal.  Instead, empathize in one short sentence.  “I really wish you had made the right choice, mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.”  Don’t have any further discussion.  

Remember, all serious requests should be done by lowering your voice.  Many of history’s most effective leaders used dramatic pauses and lowered their tone and volume to hold their listener’s attention. Yelling and losing it will only exhaust you and prevent your child from hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work

We live in a busy productive world and have responsibilities and obligations outside of our homes.  You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you’re fully present when engaged in quality time with your child.  Children know when you’re pretending to listen or your mind is on something else.  This why you can be with them every day for several hours and still hear, “You never spend any time with me.”  

If this is the only type of interaction your children have with you, their self-esteem may suffer.  They will quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you’re angry.  In their minds, negative attention is better than no attention.  You can have a more positive relationship if you set aside definite quality time with your child.  It can be 15 minutes a day, or a full Saturday.  What matters is that you don’t engage in other activities at the same time - answering the phone, texting, checking e-mail, or doing the dishes.  

Do not engage

Young people will often test the person in charge.  When they’re not satisfied with the final word, they may argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues.  Don’t take the bait.  When you become upset or rattled, you’ve lost your authority.  

When your child starts to raise their voice or becomes disrespectful in any way, you need to remain calm and end the conversation.  Your child will quickly learn that she can’t communicate with you in an aggressive way because she’ll lose her audience.  Simply tell her, “When you’re able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and then leave.  You’re controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to calm down and use your problem-solving skills rather than raw emotion.

Where's the Support for Teaching Social Skills?

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Our children’s home life, school life and future success are all dramatically affected by their social skills - or lack thereof.  Social skills include personal awareness and the awareness of others, the ability to read non-verbal communication and other’s intentions, perspective taking, the ability to communicate effectively, problem solving and emotional control, and the ability to initiate, maintain and repair relationships.  

Our social development can be impacted by a number of influences such as brain injuries, lack of appropriate modeling, learning disabilities and ADHD.  The good news is that social skills can be directly taught and social learning can occur.

You may find that despite your best efforts at teaching your child these skills, they may still need extra support.  The question is, “Who can help?”

Your child’s school may have social skill training awareness and resources for teaching these skills. Make an appointment with the school and ask how they can assist in fostering social competence in your child. If they lack resources and/or training, you may want to advocate that they look at options for increasing their development in these areas.

Check out websites such as http://www.ldonline.org.  By doing a web search you’ll find articles, lesson plans, activities, board games and videos that will assist you in providing social skills training to your child in a fun and positive way.

Seek workshops offered in your area.  Signing up for newsletters or email notices offered by organizations that support persons with learning disabilities or autism should keep you in the loop when these workshops are being offered.  These are excellent opportunities for learning as well as meeting people who share similar experiences or who may become a valuable resource in your quest for information.

Seek professionals such as psychologists, therapists, or speech and language pathologists in your area that offer social skill building.

Seek social skill groups your child can be part of.  Although rare, these groups do exist.  Social skills groups should focus on teaching social skills at the same time as offering opportunities to practise the skill being taught.  The most effective groups will have small numbers, no more than six students at a time.  They will focus on only one skill at a time.  They will have a way to assess and attempt to measure the acquisition of skills.  They will provide the parent with enough information so that they can help the child transfer the skill to other settings.

Check out books and DVD’s such as “Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids “, by Cathi Cohen, LCSW, “It's So Much Work to be Your Friend, Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success” or “Last One Picked ... First One Picked On, Learning Disabilities and Social Skills,” both by Richard Lavoie and both are available in DVD format as well. 

Social skills are skills your child will rely on every single day for the rest of their lives: in school, with peers, with family and eventually at work.  We need to ensure we do our best to equip them with the ability to know and use these skills effectively.  

Interested in finding a social skills group or need more advice? Contact Angela at 902-404-TIDE (8433).

Success Traits and Learning Disabilities

Emotional intelligence and social skills may be a better predictor of future success that academics

By Angela E. Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Most children with learning disabilities will receive some support for their academic areas of need; however, when they lack social skills, they are often seen as having a disrespectful attitude or choose to behave in a certain way.  Sadly this is not the case.  Many children with a learning disability or ADHD struggle to understand social rules, non-verbal cues, figurative language, emotional control, problem solving, self-awareness and awareness of others.  A typically developing child may learn these skills by watching others who model the correct behaviour.  For a child with a learning disability, more direct teaching of these skills may be required.  If we ignore the need for teaching social skills and only focus on academics, we are not teaching our children everything they need to be truly successful.

Current research confirms that we need social skills in order to be successful in our relationships, in higher education, and in our careers.  Having straight As won’t get you very far in life if you can’t handle stress or stay in control of your emotions.  If you don’t have enough self-awareness or awareness of others, you won’t do well in a job interview.  If you work with others, you need to problem solve and understand social rules.  Even if you could work with no other people around, what pleasure would life bring if you had no one to share it with or couldn’t cope with everyday stress?

Robin Stern, Ph.D., from the NYU Child Study Center says, “A growing number of educators recognize that students who receive an exclusively academic education may be ill-equipped for future challenges, both as individuals and members of society – it's just not enough to feed only the mind.  The field of social and emotional learning has emerged from these new understandings of the nature of biology, emotions and intelligence and their relation to success and happiness. Through social and emotional learning children's emotional intelligence is bolstered, giving them an enormous edge in their personal and professional futures.”

Reesearch conducted by the Frostig Center in Pasadena, California and coordinated with studies by Dr. Marshall H. Raskind and Dr. Roberta J. Goldberg over the last twenty years have looked at personal attributes and behavior, as well as demographic data to determine the best predictors of success at years 10 and 20.  The results found what the researchers call "success attributes" of self-awareness: pro-activity (decision-making, empowerment), perseverance (faces difficulties), goal setting, effective support systems, and emotional stability.  These attributes were found to be more accurate predictors of success than IQ and academic achievement.

Where does this leave the child with social deficits? We know they will find childhood a struggle, and we have to address these deficits before it impedes their future success as well.  These deficits will not simply get better or improve on their own, so it’s time to get proactive.  We need to start teaching the success attributes at home and at school.  As a parent, you can look for social skill groups in your area, or seek professional guidance on how to teach these skills.  Books at your local bookstore can also provide excellent resources and direction.  An online search will reveal numerous websites on the topic as well.  The information is out there for those who want to take an active role in helping to adequately prepare our children for future success.

Need more advice on supporting a child with social deficits?  Contact Angela at 404-TIDE (8433).

How to help your child deal with bullies

Today is Stand Up Against Bullying Day in Nova Scotia. While students across the province will be wearing pink as a sign of unity, the reality is that bullying is still taking place. This seems like the perfect time to share a bit of advice on how to support a child who is being bullied.

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

For a child who is bullied, there are a plethora of emotions they are left to struggle with; fear, embarrassment, helplessness, rejection and worthlessness are just a few. These are real emotions that can lead to serious stress-related health problems. Our children deserve our protection, but we often excuse these experiences as a part of growing up. I would argue that these experiences are not a necessary part of growing up; families, schools and communities could be making the eradication of bulling behaviours a higher priority than it currently is. I believe the lack of action is because we are at a loss of what we can do both for the bully and the bullied.

Developing our ability to recognize bullying is key, both at home and at school. Most of us know that bullies can attack their victims physically by punching, kicking, restraining, spitting and so on. But there is the lesser known form of emotional bullying, which is harder to identify. This can take the form of insults, rumours, slander, threats, exclusion, name-calling and so on. This form of bullying leaves lasting invisible scars on the victim and changes who they are and who they become.
Recognizing the signs, at home or in school, that someone is being rejected, targeted or isolated can be very challenging. Parents may see a change in behaviour such as mood swings, outbursts, depressed demeanour or reports of feeling too sick to go to school. The victim may be so embarrassed that they act as if they are having the time of their life or that nothing is wrong.

Parents can do their part by talking to their children about their social life. Often times we ask our children how their day was and they will reply with the typical “fine”. If you want a specific answer from your child ask a specific question, such as, “Who did you eat lunch with today?”, “Did you sit with anyone on the bus?” If your child discloses social difficulties to you, say as little as possible. Listen first. Avoid judgement by saying things like, “You should have never hung out with those kids in the first place.” Don’t support victimized thinking through statements like, “You poor thing, this is so unfair.” Instead ask questions such as, “How are you dealing with this?”, “Do you have a plan?”

Help your child be proactive, and identify why they have become a target. Are there circumstances within their control that they can change or do? Sometimes bullies will target an individual that stands out and sometimes the reason is not clear. Teach the bullied child to problem solve. Help the victim identify three possible plans of action and then the worst possible outcome for all three plans. What possible outcome will they be able to live with? This will become their plan of action. Does the child need help with their social skills, hygiene, weight, appearance or grades? Perhaps it is a matter of getting the victim help for dealing with a senseless rejection. In any case, ignoring the problem will not lead to a solution.

In school, the bullied child may show externalizing behaviours such as; outbursts, fights or a poor attitude, each as a result of the frustration they feel. The victim may also develop internalizing behaviours such as withdrawal, a slip in grades, increased absences or self harm. School personnel should be trained in identifying the signs and encouraged by their administrators to follow through in the reporting process. Every school should have procedures and policies in place to deal with situations surrounding bullying. An extra effort to communicate these policies to all parents, students and staff should be taken. Students will only regard these policies as seriously as school personnel take them. If we throw our hands up and say there is nothing the school can do, then the message we are sending is that we have lost control of our student’s behaviour and we are not concerned.

Parents can ask schools about their policies surrounding bullying issues and schools can keep the lines of communication open with parents. When parents and school work together and support each other, change comes sooner rather than later.

Need more advice on what to do about bullies?  Contact Angela Rudderham at 902-404-TIDE (8433).