TEENAGERS – A Rough Guide
By Angela .E.
Rudderham
To many the teen years seem the most
challenging time in a child’s life for a parent. If you have a teenager who
listens to you, respects you, is positive and a joy to have around; then stop reading
as this article is not for you. This would be a guide for the other 99% of
parents of teenagers who are trying to keep their sanity. These are the toughest years for so many
reasons. Parents are often trying to set boundaries and limitations to keep
their child safe and on the path to the future they imagined for them. A
teenager (by natural design) is trying to gain independence, to explore beyond
the boundaries and test out the possibilities for the future they will choose
for themselves. These are two opposing objectives, it’s no wonder there is so
much conflict or strain. These experiences can cause a parent to second guess
themselves. I will attempt to provide some answers to commonly asked questions
I hear from parents of teenagers.
Is it okay for me to
be my teenager’s friend? No. It is
not your role. They still need a parent. They need someone to show them the
connection of their actions to the consequences they experience. This area of
their brain is not fully developed yet. They are still learning and while they
are, they need a moral compass, a coach, an executive assistant to keep them on
time and on task and someone in charge to help them accept the responsibility
of their actions and make better choices next time. Without a parent in charge
all the responsibility falls to the child. This is too fast a transition from
childhood to adulthood and can overwhelm the teenager. The easiest road for a
parent is to be a friend but it should be about what the child needs not what
makes the parent feel better. The reward for not being “the friend” during
their teens is that they feel safe and you will have their respect and a true
friendship throughout their adult life. Does this mean you don’t enjoy or do
fun things together now? Of course not, but if you are into the role of a
parent you have to accept that you won’t be their most favorite person every
day and it’s okay if today they don’t like you.
Isn’t it okay they drink, or smoke up as long as I
know where they are? Really? When we
claim we want nothing but the best for our child and we end up settling for this,
isn’t that a contradiction? Is the best scenario that they break the law and
place themselves at risk and know you approve? To me this reeks of someone who has given up,
doesn’t know where else to turn or what else to try and that happens to the
best of us. I believe if parents weren’t shamed when they admit they don’t know
what to do or if help was readily available to them this would be a less common
resort. Before this becomes the reality
seek out help and alternative suggestions.
Should I be creeping
their Facebook or reading their texts? Yes.
Do you pay the internet and cell phone charges? How many murders,
molestations kidnappings and suicides could have been prevented from a little
creeping and looking into who your child is really talking to and what they are
saying? And okay so you trust your angel with all your heart and they never
gave you reason to doubt them, do you trust everyone else who may find a way to
manipulate them or deceive them?
Parents of
teens have the toughest job; it’s a difficult transition for both the parent
and the child. There should be no shame in admitting this. It is supposed to be
this way. When faced with a challenging decision, forget about what is easiest
or what creates the least friction or what will make you a more popular parent,
ask one question, “What is in my child’s best interest?”
Great article:) After years of teenage insanity I now have a wonderful, sensible daughter who wants to achieve the most she can from life. And she's only 21!
ReplyDeleteSounds like solid advice to me. :)
ReplyDeleteFollowing the birth of our second and third child, many people gave us winks, or the occasional groan followed by a smile, and wished us luck. My husband and I now have 3 amazing daughters; they are 19, 7, and 6. Our oldest was 12 when her first sister came along and I scoffed at the possibility that we were in for any sort of an experience that would be less than wonderful.
I do consider myself lucky that our experience raising a teenager has been fairly uneventful for the most part. There have been times though when I wondered where did my perfectly sensible 10- 12 year old go?!? I remembered thinking occasionally when she was 14-16, why has she forgotten all those safety rules and boundaries we had set up for her as a child? For example, as a young child she knew how to cross the street safely. Then years later, I’m explaining to her that reading her text messages and listening to her IPOD while crossing street is distracting her from looking both ways. As a pre-teen if a stranger called on the phone, and she was home alone, she would tell them her parents couldn’t come to the phone; we were busy (in another room of the house) and we’d call them back in a few minutes. Fast forward to a teenager and we found ourselves explaining to her that although we “understood her elation” at being left home for an evening—posting her “freeeeeeedom” on facebook was not as well thought out a move of hers as we would’ve hoped for.
I have always maintained a position that parents and children/ young adults cannot be friends. I’ve explained to my children and teen that healthy parent/ child relationships share many characteristics of what many people would consider friendship qualities. For example, honesty and trust, emotional respect, kindness, listening, encouragement, and shared activities. For me a friendship is more than just these qualities. My closest friends have similar life experiences, we have common interests, we share similar goals, and although we feel a responsibility/ desire to help or be there for each other- there is a mutual understanding that it may not always be the case. For me, the most important difference between my friends and my children is I’m not financially supporting any of my friends. :)
With respect to allowing my underage teenager to drink in my home, I couldn’t imagine this ever occurring! I never really felt the rationale behind it was worth the risk in the end. It’s impossible to say whether this parenting practice is beneficial for any individual adolescent, but there are a numerous studies that support this will not work for the majority of teenagers. Most importantly, teenagers should not drink because the damage alcohol does to the developing adolescent brain could have life long lasting effects. These changes are most likely to occur in the pre-frontal cortex, an area responsible for executive functioning: decision making, planning for the future, judgement, and controlling impulses. Alcohol can also impair how the developing brain processes information into long- term memory and visual spatial functioning.
With that being said, my teenager knew that we believed she would be around alcohol at some point, and we knew she would indeed make judgement calls that we would not approve of. However, I feel we could not have stressed more than we have with our daughters that their safety is paramount, and mistakes are a part of learning. They can call us, any hour of the day, we will always be there. Yes we snooped, without guilt, and will continue to do so when we believe their health or happiness is in question.
As a parent my job is to present the morals and values I wish my child to exhibit. If my child does not display the set of morals and values I deem desirable then it is my job to correct or adjust their behaviour. Before the age of 18 children rarely have the ability to fully comprehend the outcome of their actions, it is the parents job to give them the skills needed to make the best choices. Are children going to be perfect…no, but it is the parents job to make the child understands their mistakes so that they do not repeat them. If children are not corrected or adjusted the child is doomed to repeat the undesirable behaviour. If parent plays more of a friend role then the child will believe their behaviour would be acceptable. Parent need to redirect child to make better decisions. By allowing drug or alcohol use those parents are inviting harm and teaching their children that it is okay to obey some laws and not others, to obey some rules and not others. When lines become cloudy then all lines become cloudy to the point of transparency and then lines no longer exist. Parents are to love their children but children may not always like their parents. Becoming their friends does not make them safe or make you more loved it just causes their perception of you to become cloudy. The job of the parent is to protect, love and teach their children so that when they leave as adults they make the best decisions. If we become more of a friend with our child then discipline and respect fall on deaf ears. Often being friends is easier and, perhaps more fun but there always comes a time when a parent needs the child to do something serious. Often because of the nature of the parent/child relationship the request goes undone. Parents need to be firm but fair when dealing with their children and it would not only benefit the child but your relationship with your child.
ReplyDelete