Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

By Angela E. Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

If you have children, you probably worry constantly about doing the right thing for them.  This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips for parenting with less energy.

Find your magic silent voice

Have there been times during parenthood that you’ve felt like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon?  It’s as if your child is only hearing, “wa wa wa wa wa” when you speak? There are a few reasons for this.  Statistics show that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day.  Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue, etc.  The result?  They’re really good at tuning us out.

It’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells, the less a child will listen.  Instead, make a calm, polite request.  If the child doesn’t act, make the request again, but add what will happen if the child chooses not to comply.  If the child doesn’t act, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence.  

If the child is upset and protesting, don’t engage in reasoning, bargaining or explaining again. Remember energy conservation is the goal.  Instead, empathize in one short sentence.  “I really wish you had made the right choice, mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.”  Don’t have any further discussion.  

Remember, all serious requests should be done by lowering your voice.  Many of history’s most effective leaders used dramatic pauses and lowered their tone and volume to hold their listener’s attention. Yelling and losing it will only exhaust you and prevent your child from hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work

We live in a busy productive world and have responsibilities and obligations outside of our homes.  You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you’re fully present when engaged in quality time with your child.  Children know when you’re pretending to listen or your mind is on something else.  This why you can be with them every day for several hours and still hear, “You never spend any time with me.”  

If this is the only type of interaction your children have with you, their self-esteem may suffer.  They will quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you’re angry.  In their minds, negative attention is better than no attention.  You can have a more positive relationship if you set aside definite quality time with your child.  It can be 15 minutes a day, or a full Saturday.  What matters is that you don’t engage in other activities at the same time - answering the phone, texting, checking e-mail, or doing the dishes.  

Do not engage

Young people will often test the person in charge.  When they’re not satisfied with the final word, they may argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues.  Don’t take the bait.  When you become upset or rattled, you’ve lost your authority.  

When your child starts to raise their voice or becomes disrespectful in any way, you need to remain calm and end the conversation.  Your child will quickly learn that she can’t communicate with you in an aggressive way because she’ll lose her audience.  Simply tell her, “When you’re able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and then leave.  You’re controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to calm down and use your problem-solving skills rather than raw emotion.