Research indicates that parental reaction to the
diagnosis of learning disability is more pronounced than in any other area of
exceptionality. Consider: if a child is mentally or physically
handicapped, the parent becomes aware of the problem in the first few weeks of
the child's life. However, the pre-school development of the learning disabled
child is often uneventful and the parent does not suspect that a problem
exists. When informed of the problem by elementary school personnel, a parent's
first reaction is generally to deny the existence of a disability. This denial
is, of course, unproductive. The father tends to remain in this stage for a
prolonged period because he is not exposed to the child's day-to-day
frustrations and failures.
Research conducted by Eleanor Whitehead suggests that the parent of an LD child goes through a series of emotions before truly accepting the child and his problem. These "stages" are totally unpredictable. A parent may move from stage-to-stage in random. Some parents skip over stages while others remain in one stage for an extended period. These stages are as follows:
DENIAL: "There is really nothing wrong!" "That's the way I was as a child--not to worry!" "He'll grow out of it!"
BLAME: "You baby him!" "You expect too much of him." "It's not from my side of the family."
FEAR: "Maybe they're not telling me the real problem!" "Is it worse than they say?" "Will he ever marry? go to college? graduate?"
ENVY: "Why can't he be like his sister or his cousins?"
MOURNING: "He could have been such a success, if not for the learning disability!"
BARGAINING: "Wait 'till next year!" "Maybe the problem will improve if we move! (or he goes to camp, etc.)."
ANGER: "The teachers don't know anything." "I hate this neighborhood, this school...this teacher."
GUILT: "My mother was right; I should have used cloth diapers when he was a baby." "I shouldn't have worked during his first year." "I am being punished for something and my child is suffering as a result."
ISOLATION: "Nobody else knows or cares about my child." "You and I against the world. No one else understands."
FLIGHT: "Let's try this new therapy--Donahue says it works!" "We are going to go from clinic to clinic until somebody tells me what I want to hear.!"
Again, the pattern of these reactions is totally unpredictable. This situation is worsened by the fact that frequently the mother and father may be involved in different and conflicting stages at the same time (e.g., blame vs. denial; anger vs. guilt). This can make communication very difficult.
The good news is that with proper help, most LD children can make excellent progress. There are many successful adults such as attorneys, business executives, physicians, teachers, etc. who had learning disabilities but overcame them and became successful. Now with special education and many special materials, LD children can be helped early.
Research conducted by Eleanor Whitehead suggests that the parent of an LD child goes through a series of emotions before truly accepting the child and his problem. These "stages" are totally unpredictable. A parent may move from stage-to-stage in random. Some parents skip over stages while others remain in one stage for an extended period. These stages are as follows:
DENIAL: "There is really nothing wrong!" "That's the way I was as a child--not to worry!" "He'll grow out of it!"
BLAME: "You baby him!" "You expect too much of him." "It's not from my side of the family."
FEAR: "Maybe they're not telling me the real problem!" "Is it worse than they say?" "Will he ever marry? go to college? graduate?"
ENVY: "Why can't he be like his sister or his cousins?"
MOURNING: "He could have been such a success, if not for the learning disability!"
BARGAINING: "Wait 'till next year!" "Maybe the problem will improve if we move! (or he goes to camp, etc.)."
ANGER: "The teachers don't know anything." "I hate this neighborhood, this school...this teacher."
GUILT: "My mother was right; I should have used cloth diapers when he was a baby." "I shouldn't have worked during his first year." "I am being punished for something and my child is suffering as a result."
ISOLATION: "Nobody else knows or cares about my child." "You and I against the world. No one else understands."
FLIGHT: "Let's try this new therapy--Donahue says it works!" "We are going to go from clinic to clinic until somebody tells me what I want to hear.!"
Again, the pattern of these reactions is totally unpredictable. This situation is worsened by the fact that frequently the mother and father may be involved in different and conflicting stages at the same time (e.g., blame vs. denial; anger vs. guilt). This can make communication very difficult.
The good news is that with proper help, most LD children can make excellent progress. There are many successful adults such as attorneys, business executives, physicians, teachers, etc. who had learning disabilities but overcame them and became successful. Now with special education and many special materials, LD children can be helped early.
Pointers
for parents of children with learning disabilities:
1. Take the time to listen to your children as much as
you can (really try to get their "Message").
2. Love them by touching them, hugging them, tickling
them, wrestling with them (they need lots of physical contact).
3. Look for and encourage their strengths, interests,
and abilities. Help them to use these as compensations for any limitations or
disabilities.
4. Reward them with praise, good words, smiles, and
pat on the back as often as you can.
5. Accept them for what they are and for their human
potential for growth and development. Be realistic in your expectations and
demands.
6. Involve them in establishing rules and regulations,
schedules, and family activities.
7. Tell them when they misbehave and explain how you
feel about their behavior; then have them propose other more acceptable ways of
behaving.
8. Help them to correct their errors and mistakes by
showing or demonstrating what they should do.
9. Don't nag!
10. Give them reasonable chores and a regular family
work responsibility whenever possible.
11. Give them an allowance as early as possible and
then help them plan to spend within it.
12. Provide toys, games, motor activities and
opportunities that will stimulate them in their development.
13. Read enjoyable stories to them and with them.
Encourage them to ask questions, discuss stories, tell the story, and to reread
stories.
14. Further their ability to concentrate by reducing
distracting aspects of their environment as much as possible (provide them with
a place to work, study and play).
15. Don't get hung up on traditional school grades! It
is important that they progress at their own rates and be rewarded for doing
so.
16. Take them to libraries and encourage them to select
and check out books of interest.
17. Have them share their books with you.
18. Provide stimulating books and reading material
around the house.
19. Help them to develop self-esteem and to compete
with self rather than with others.
20. Insist that they cooperate socially by playing,
helping, and serving others in the family and the community.
21. Serve as a model to them by reading and discussing
material of personal interest. Share with them some of the things you are
reading and doing.
22. Don't hesitate to consult with teachers or other
specialists whenever you feel it to be necessary in order to better understand
what might be done to help your child learn.
Angela is a behaviour and social skills specialist who has developed programs for students, as well as support workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals. For more information or advice, please give Angela a call at 902-404-TIDE (8433).
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